'I live outside the UK so when I say "With all due respect" nobody realises I'm insulting them.'
'I accidentally said hello to someone I walk past every morning on my way to work. Now I'll have to change to a longer route, or quit my job. Or kill them.'
'My sarcasm is so dry foreigners think I'm an arsehole.'
'A woman walking ahead of me swung her arm into my balls as I walked past - I apologised.'